Wake me up, when September ends

Yesterday was tough. After 5 days of Intensive Care you’d think seeing Vicki back on the ward would be easier. Of course, it’s absolutely wonderful to see Vicki getting better, and able to converse fully and clearly with everyone. What’s really hard is that now that she can speak, and articulate how she feels, she can say things that chill you to the bone.

She was tired at bed time, and was listening to her MP3 player but refused to go to sleep. Naturally concerned as she really needs all the rest she can get, I asked her why she couldn’t sleep. At first she said it was because her tummy was hurting, and as she’d already had some painkillers, there was little more the medical staff could offer her.

I left it at that, and tried to drift off to sleep. As I dozed, Greenday were singing “When September Ends”. In a semi-conscious state I was imagining Vicki singing:

“Chemotherapy makes me sick
All the tubes get on my wick
Wake me up, when this treatment ends
All you do is take my blood
Will you ever have enough
Wake me up, when this treatment ends”

When I woke up though sadly not when the treatment had ended, Vicki had still not been to sleep. So I asked her why. She said that when she tried to sleep she could see white lights. She said that she knew that when people die they see a bright white light, so she had figured out that if she went to sleep she wouldn’t wake up. What do say to your child when she says that. Desperately fighting back the tears welling up, and the wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach I tried to reassure her as best as I could.

The events of the last fortnight had taken their toll, and she could only see herself getting worse. I gave her as much of a pep talk as I could, telling her how I could see her improving. But this was hard, and intensely emotional.

As I left to get some breakfast, all I could do was echo the sentiment in my head:

“Wake me up, when this treatment ends…”