Claustrophobia

Today is a day when I feel like the walls are closing in around us. After a goods nights sleep for both of us, we settled down to watch a film (17 again). Though I'm enjoying it, it's also a poignant reminder of life's past mistakes, and a desire to live your life again and make better decisions, although of course I'm not sure what decision I could have made to stop Vicki getting Leukaemia. Doesn't stop you thinking though.

So as we settle down to watch this Zak Efron masterpiece we were constantly interrupted. First by constantly bleeping alarms from the drips that no-one seemed to care about. Then the physiotherapist comes in, then the cleaner, then another nurse to finally see to the bleeping machines, then she needs a wash and a bedding change. And we're only 25 minutes into the film.

I'm still desperately looking for signs of improvement, still searching for positive signs. Still looking for answers, but all of these quests are sadly fruitless. Last night there was a baby crying on the ward, and you have to think "Jesus Christ, this is hard, but how to you cope with a baby with cancer?". I went to see my GP yesterday, and he told me that I wasn't depressed and that I was coping OK. THIS IS OK? Bloody hell, you're telling me I could feel worse than I do, really?

Vicki is still quite upbeat in herself, but you can see in her face she's fed up with it all. The few days that the doctors keep repeating to us never seems to get any closer.

Ah, I've just realised, I promised you a reveal today didn't I? The generosity of the local benefactor meant that I was able to get Vicki a laptop, and a years broadband access. Ironically the bag that I bought for her laptop (which I got at the same time as the laptop) was too small, so I got an old one that I had, and and spend an hour making it look as good as new. Then I got some purple ribbons and bows, and decorated the bag. I finished this off with a tatty teddy get well balloon. Her face was a picture. I will publish that picture at some point. Her face lit up, and she was overwhelmed by the generosity that allowed this to happy. In fact I'm typing today's entry from the very same laptop. OK, I know, it's not for me, but I couldn't resist!