The first time back at home and back to hospital again

For the first time, I had a little space to be left alone with my thoughts, and attempt to take in the news. I tried to sleep, but the fear of what was happening to Victoria, especially as now I was 40 miles away was even scarier. Then irrational fear took over my mind. I sent a text message to Tracey, but she didn't respond. I sent a text message to Victoria, she didn't respond. In the moments that followed only one conclusion was in my mind, that she died. I couldn't bring myself out of this illogical state and began hyperventilating. And then, just as the tears were rolling down my cheeks, Tracey rang. I answered the phone like a little child who had never used a phone before and wasn't sure whether they should. Of course, she hadn't died, Tracey had her phone on silent, and Victoria was not feeling up to texting. I have never been so relieved in my life.

As the day wore on, there were several emotional moments, one of which happened when I was driving over to Northampton. Debbie was concerned and asked me to pull over, but some how, I carried on, and this continuation became symbolistic of the need for us all to carry on. How I was managing to drive with practically no vision is a mystery to me, but then again, how Victoria can carry on with practically no idea of what is happening to her is just as mysterious.

I was making arrangements to pick Sarah up, when I thought I would offer a further olive branch to Samuel, and offer him a lift up to see his sister. At first he declined, but then he called back and decided to come.

The journey up to Leicester was full of laughter, a skill that I'd thought I'd lost. Most of the laughter was aimed squarely at Sarah's expense, but I won't embarrass her on her by sharing the joke with you all.

I'd made sure that Victoria didn't know that Sarah and Samuel were coming to visit, as I wanted maximum positive impact from the evening. The effect was worth it. Victoria's face lit up like a Christmas Tree, and she smiled and laughed for the first time in days.

Whilst Victoria was revelling in Sarah's company, I took Samuel down to the canteen, and on the way, I stopped him, and said "give your dad a hug", and we cuddled, and he apologised to me, and we put all our differences well and truly behind us. Phew! Once again, everyone was happy to hear this.

As we settled in for the night, I learned that we now had to wear surgical gloves when collecting Victoria's urine as a splash could burn as a result of the chemo. Mmmm, radioactive wee I laughed to myself. I told Victoria that she didn't need to leave the light on any more as she would soon glow in the dark!

Another restless night of constant obs and bleeping kept us both awake. I was learning to live without sleep.